If you are shoulding on your child, this may be the reason why there is so much resistance in the relationship.
If you ever find yourself stuck in a “Should” mode, you are doing what I call “shoulding”.
You should do this!
You should do that!
You should, should, should, should.
How’s that feel to read? Feels like being judged and shamed, I’m sure.
That’s how our children feel when we should on them.
When we should on our children, the underlining message is, you are not enough. When humans are made to not feel enough, they resist and develop coping strategies which are never healthy for long term positive growth. We want our children to thrive not cope right?
I’m super curious about this “shoulding” phenomenon so I started interviewing parents about it.
The following is what I discovered.
For some moms, they should all over themselves so it’s only natural to do it to their children. Dig a little deeper and their parents did it to them.
What I believe is parents always have the best intentions for their actions. The parent is not the problem, the strategies are.
If you find yourself “shoulding”, my suggestion is to stop right now and replace it with choices.
Replace “You should do your homework” with the following.
Would you like to do your homework now or after dinner? it’s up to you. you are the boss. Children LOVE this strategy. It puts the power in their hands, does not shame, and works 99% of the time.
It also does not presuppose they are not enough or something is wrong with them.
When trying new strategies, it’s scary and never easy but doing it anyways is part of being a good leader. You will get better at it over time.
Being kind and patient with your children starts with you being kind and patient with yourself.
May the positive parenting force be with you.