Saying stuff like the following to your child is called projecting.
You never clean your room.
You never do your homework on time.
You will never learn this subject.
You’re just like your father/mother.
You are just not good at this are you?
Saying stuff like the above is presuposing something is concrete and can’t change. But we are not concrete. Humans are constantly changing and growing.
Adults and especially children dislike this being done to them.
For some of us doing it, we don’t even know we’re doing it because it’s a bad habit picked up from our own parents.
For others, it’s a way they think is helping the child. Trust me on this, projecting never helps a child. It hurts them. It stunts their growth. It builds a wall between you and them that is incredibly hard to break through.
Some parents do this as a way to deflect taking responsibility for educating the child because they don’t know how. The pain of not knowing how to deal with a situation is so great, they release pressure by projecting on to the child. This in my opinion is a form of phycological child abuse.
It’s also a form of bullying.
It’s also a form of shaming.
If you were raised with a parent constantly projecting on to you, there is a very good chance you will do the same to your child and not even be aware you’re doing it.
Positive parenting is about projecting the good.
I see you are getting better at that as you continue to practice.
When I was a child, I disliked homework too. You will get used to it over time. Keep doing your best.
I know you are smart and you will figure this out. I believe in you.
What is a parent really saying when they project on to their child in a negative way?
Maybe it’s about, I do not know how to handle you. I do not want to deal with you. I have no idea how to support you.
Please, pay close attention to your projections. They’re molding your child. It’s not the only thing that molds your child but it’s a big one often running in the under current of the relationship.
There is even another level of projecting that penetrates your child’s mind faster than talking directly to your child. It’s talking to others about your child thinking your child can’t hear or is not close by.
I’ve tested this by talking good about a child to their parents and simultaneously watching the child via my peripheral vision. They are highly attuned to this type of projection. The indirect way is much more powerful than going direct.
